A healthy person goes 'Yes,' 'No,' and 'Whoopee!' An unhealthy person goes 'Yes, but,' 'No, but,' and 'No whoopee'. ― Eric Berne
I have a coach. His name is Tim.
During our last call I was talking about a conversation that I was thinking about having. The discourse went a little something like this.
Me: 10mins of explaining (aka rambling about) the situation.
Tim: "Do you want to have this conversation?"
Me: "Yes, but I'm not sure how to initiate it and I don't know exactly what I'll say."
Tim: "Ok. But do you want to have this conversation?"
Me: "Yes but..."
Tim: "DO YOU WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION? YES OR NO?"
To be fair, he approached my deflection with a little more humor and less ALL CAPS YELLING.
"Yes, buts" (or "Yabuts" as executive coach Scott Cochrane calls them) are conversation killers. They close the door to opportunity, creativity and cooperation.
They also tend to come across as negative, confrontational and dismissive.
The "Yabut" response is also a clue that we’re not really listening all that well.
While we may be hearing the person we are talking with, in our minds we're already forming our own opinion, just waiting for an opportunity to throw in the "Yeah, (I hear you) but…(here's why you're wrong)…”
Take the following conversation for example.
Person A: "It's such a beautiful day out." Person B: "Yeah, but it's supposed to rain tomorrow." Person A: "Oh, well I guess we better take advantage today then!" Person B: "Yeah, but everyone is probably thinking the same thing, which means the park is going to be really crowded." Person A: "Oh, well maybe I'll just go for a walk in the neighborhood then." Person B: "Yeah, but there's all that construction happening on Broadway. It's so loud!" Person A: "Oh, well that's ok. I'll just use my headphones. I'm listening to this great audiobook." Person B: "Yeah, I guess I could try listening to audiobooks, but I always find the narrator's voice to be so boring."
I don't know about you, but if I were Person A I would be looking for ways to get out of that conversation ASAP.
Being on the receiving end of "Yabut" statements can be pretty draining.
If you were to do a quick mental Rolodex, I'm sure you could identify at least 1 person in your contacts that's a habitual "Yabut-er".
But what about you? How often are you using the "yes, but" closed mindset?
Being a good listener is a skill, one that needs lots of practice and attention. And while you may think you're not so terrible at listening to others, what about when it comes to listening to yourself?
Most of us habitually use the "Yabut" response with ourselves whenever we consider doing something outside of our comfort zone.
"I want to eat better BUT I don't have any willpower."
"I want to meditate BUT I don't know how."
"I want to exercise more BUT I never have any energy."
It's rather self defeating, yes?
I challenge you to do a little self-listening.
Every time you hear yourself say, “Yes, BUT" change it to “Yes, AND".
"Yes, and" is a common improv game and principle that is foundational to the world of improv comedy.
But the power of "Yes, and" thinking goes far beyond comedic presence.
With "yes, and" we stay open to possibilities, we explore options, we brainstorm, we seek advice.
With "yes, but" we shut down, we retreat to our comfort zone, we reject change.
With "yes, and" we look for reasons why we CAN and SHOULD do something.
With "yes, but" we come up with reasons why we CAN'T and SHOULDN'T.
So, back to my conversation with Tim.
Tim: "DO YOU WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION? YES OR NO?"
Me: "Yes, and I need help figuring out how to do it."
And then we hit the ground running.
We explored why having this conversation was valuable to me.
We brainstormed how to initiate it.
We roll-played what I might say.
With "yes, but" I had pretty much decided that this conversation couldn't and wouldn't happen.
With "yes, and" I became aware of all the communication tools I have at my disposal. I used creativity and problems solving skills to craft a plan and practice putting it into action.
What can open up for you if you replace "Yes, BUT" with "Yes, AND"?
"I want to eat better AND I could start with buying baby carrots instead of chips."
"I want to meditate AND I could use an app for guidance."
"I want to exercise more AND I could ask a friend to join me."
Every time you make this swap, you’re breaking the habit of closed, negative thinking.
And the more you do it, the more open and creative your thinking will become.
Do you want to lose weight?
Do you want to feel better and have more energy?
Do you want to love what you see when you look in the mirror?
Yes?
And...Do you want some help with that?
If so, then shoot me a message at amanda@kinetichw.com and we'll explore your options.
P.S.
For more on the power of "Yes, and" thinking, check out this TEDx talk by Karen Tilstra.