"I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time."
― Mark Twain
A friend of mine has a daughter who is a Girl Scout. Last year I got a message that she was selling cookies (accompanied by an adorable personalized video - the Girl Scouts have really stepped up their marketing tactics), asking if I’d like to buy some. I bought a few boxes to be supportive and had the intention of giving them away. However when they arrived, I put them on top of my refrigerator and they remained there, untouched for over a year.
Some of you reading may be shocked that I was able to have 4 boxes of cookies in my line of sight on a daily basis and not eat a single one.
Do I have superhuman willpower? Am I severely allergic to gluten but can’t afford an EpiPen? Am I Team Peanut Butter Patties not Team Tagalongs and therefore refrained as protest?
The reality is that none of the above are true (because I am totally Team Tagalongs). The reason I was able to not eat a single cookie was, drum-roll...
I never opened the boxes.
It was a lot easier for me to not have any than it would have been to eat only one or two at a time.
In this situation, I would categorize myself as what author and podcaster Gretchen Rubin calls an “Abstainer”. Rubin suggests that when it comes to behavior, people generally fall into two camps, Abstainers and Moderators.
Abstainers:
have trouble stopping something once they’ve started
aren’t tempted by things that they’ve decided are off-limits
Moderators:
find that occasional indulgence heightens their pleasure and strengthens their resolve
get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something
There’s no right way or wrong way, but most people tend to fall back on one pattern more than another. What’s important is figuring out which strategy works best for you and when.
For those who tend to be more moderate, trying to abstain can make them feel trapped and rebellious. And for those who generally abstain, trying to be moderate can end up with them spending a lot of time justifying why they should just go ahead and indulge.
While abstaining worked for me and the Girl Scout cookies, moderation has also worked just as well.
Once a client gave me a single serving bag of a “healthy” popcorn kind of snack. I opened the bag, tried a few, then put it in my locker. Every few days I’d have one or two and then put the bag away. About 2 weeks later a coworker saw me with the bag and asked in astonishment “Is that the same bag as before? How did you not eat the whole thing at once?”
At the time, this was a question I couldn’t really answer. Because even though I have had success with both “abstaining” and “moderating”, I’ve also failed miserably while using the same strategies.
I can think of countless times I’ve attempted “detoxes” only to stuff myself silly with all the things I was “detoxing” from as soon as they ended. Times I tried to limit television during the week which led to daylong Netflix binges on the weekends. Times I said I was going to have “just one cube of cheese” and then ended up finishing the block within an hour.
Why am I (are we) able to practice moderation with some behaviors and not others?
Why does abstinence sometimes feel like the easier option while at other times it results in complete overindulgence?
While there are many factors that contribute to our behavior choices, I’ve noticed three major players when it comes to the success and/or failure of these two strategies: Mindset, Environment and Stress.
Mindset: “I can’t” versus “I don’t (want to)”
Imagine you’re in a work meeting. Coffee, donuts and bagels are available. A coworker sees that you haven’t grabbed anything to eat and says “I’m going to get a donut, do you want one?”
Common Abstainer response: “Ughhhh, I can’t. I’m on a diet."
Upgraded Abstainer response: “ I don’t, but thanks for offering.”
The “abstainer” mindset is very often driven by “can’t”, which tends to make people feel powerless and act out in rebellion. Shifting to an “I don’t (want to)” mindset puts you in control as well as becomes part of your identity (“I don’t eat meat”, “I don’t smoke”, “I don’t drink during the week”). And when we shift identity, our habits more easily follow suit.
Environment: What's in your control?
While completely abstaining from the Girl Scout cookies worked for me at home, what if I went to a friend’s house and those same cookies were offered? Would I still be able to abstain? What if there was a bowl of that “healthy” popcorn out on the table? Would I still be able to practice moderation?
As I've written about before, our behavior is heavily influenced by our environment (physical, social and mental). How we behave at home is most likely different than in public, how we behave when we’re alone is most likely different than with company and how we behave when we’re in a good mood versus a bad one...well I’m sure we are all attuned to the differences there.
When we have control of our environment it’s easier to manipulate it to support our goals. But for most of us, outside of our homes, we very rarely have full control of our physical environment and only limited control of our social environment.
This can be a problem when “white knuckling it” is your only strategy, because we can’t always keep our distance from temptation. If we classify something as “off-limits” it can create a feeling of scarcity, producing a “this is my only chance!” reaction when you’re in its’ presence.
We do however have full control of our mental environment as well as the friends we keep. Both of which are powerful contributors to consistently making healthy choices.
Stress: How does it all add up?
The holidays are rapidly approaching, which means: parties, gift buying, family drama and social commitments all on top of your normal stress load. Seems like a great time to begin a restrictive diet or intense workout regimen, right…?
Remember, stress is stress, and we can only manage so much at once. Very often, the behaviors we are trying to eliminate are the same behaviors we use as coping strategies. So not only must we consider how much total stress we are under when taking on a new diet or fitness habit, but also how we will replace that coping strategy with something that better suits our goals.
When stress loads are high in other areas of your life, it will probably serve you best to take a more moderate approach with your diet and fitness. When things settle down...feel free to commence “Beast Mode”!
Whether you choose to take the Moderator or Abstainer approach keep in mind that there is not one strategy that works every time, in all situations. The key is to gather clues from the times in which you are most successful and do your best to recreate those variables (mindset, environment and stress load) as frequently as you can.
So...do you identify as an Abstainer or a Moderator? A little bit of both? Neither?
How can knowing your default pattern help you build better strategies for future change?
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