"Awareness allows us get outside of our mind and observe it in action." — Dan Brule
Now that my husband and I are no longer in NYC we'll need to buy a car.
So recently we've been comparing options and compiling our list of "must have" features.
One feature that is on my must have list is "lane departure warning" which, for you non-car people, is when the system alerts you when a tire touches a lane marker.
Not only is this a super handy feature, it's also an analogy that I use often with clients.
You see, when most women start on a self-improvement journey, their personal "lane departure warning" system isn't very sophisticated.
At first, they drive along with no issue. But then,
They get distracted...or bored...or maybe a bit tired.
And they veer out of their lane without even noticing.
...That is until the find themselves stuck in a ditch on the side of the road. 🙈
This metaphorical ditch is that "how did I get here?" place.
That place where you finally notice how you far you've detoured from your original route.
And where you often find yourself saying "I just need to get back on track".
...if only it didn't feel like a monumental effort to dig yourself out and get back on the road.
Sound familiar?
If so, then there are two qualities that you'll need to develop in order to improve your "lane departure warning" system.
#1) Self-Awareness
We cannot change what we are not aware of.
The ability to examine your actions, emotions and patterns of thinking is one of the most important psychological traits you can develop within yourself.
With improved self-awareness we get better at noticing.
In the moment noticing - Catching yourself "in the act" and noticing when your actions aren't aligning with your values or your goals.
After the fact noticing - Looking back to find patterns and noticing how your emotions influence your actions or how your environments (both external and internal) impact your emotions.
Preemptive noticing - Knowing your weaknesses and noticing what potential challenges lie ahead so that you can make a plan to overcome them.
When on a journey of self-improvement, this skill of noticing acts like the car's "lane departure warning" system,
👉 It alerts you and focuses your attention.
And the more self-aware you become, the sooner you'll be able to notice when you start veering out of your lane so that you can gently bring yourself back to center.
#2) Self-Compassion
What happens when you notice that you've gotten off track?
Do you give yourself a gentle nudge, like the car's "lane departure warning" system, so that you can make your way back and simply continue on your route...
Or, do you slam on your brakes and beat yourself up over it?
Correct me if I'm wrong (since I haven't driven regularly for almost 20 years), but if you were to slam on your brakes and throw a fit every time you even slightly veered off course,
That would probably cause a lot of damage, right?
Imagining this as a real life driving scenario it seems pretty obvious how harmful this would be...
👉 Yet this is exact the pattern most women fall into.
Which is where self-compassion comes in.
Self-compassion is that gentle nudge that says, "hey...you got a bit off course. No big deal...just bring yourself back and keep going".
It's like the little vibration on the steering wheel...not an obnoxious anti-theft alarm.
It's also the skill that reminds us that we don't need to drive perfectly in the center of the lane in order to reach our destination safely and on time anway... A little deviation here or there is totally normal and accounted for, Otherwise the lanes wouldn't have ANY wiggle room. The same goes for pursuing your goals,
Perfection isn't necessary.
You just need the ability to:
notice when you veer a liiiiittle too far off course and
bring yourself back in a kind, gentle and loving way
So, how sophisticated is your "lane departure warning" system?
If you've found yourself in that metaphorical ditch lately, what steps can you take to improve your self-awareness?
On the other hand, if you're causing 10 car pile ups every time you make even a small mistake, how can you build more self-compassion?
Because it doesn't matter how clear or well planned your route is if you aren't able to stay on it for long enough to cover any real distance.
And if you aren't sure where to start, you can check out this post on self-awareness and this post on letting go of perfectionism.
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