"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it."
—William Arthur Ward
The holiday season is upon us. Tomorrow many of you will gather with family and friends to give thanks and stuff yourselves silly (no judgement). And while Thanksgiving only comes once per year, being grateful is a lifestyle that you can cultivate every single day.
Gratitude practices have gained popularity recently and for good reason. In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Expressing gratitude has also been shown to improve health, strengthen relationships and build resiliency.
According to UCLA’s Mindfulness Awareness Research Center, a regular gratitude practice literally changes the molecular structure of the brain, boosts neurotransmitter serotonin and activates the brain stem to produce dopamine. NIH Researchers found that subjects who showed more gratitude overall had higher levels of activity in the hypothalamus, a region of the brain responsible for an array of essential bodily functions (including eating, drinking and sleeping) and influential to metabolism and stress levels.
Gratitude can be practiced in various ways including journaling, praying, meditating, verbal expression and writing thank you notes. It can be applied to the past (retrieving positive memories), the present (recognizing good fortune), or the future (maintaining an optimistic attitude).
In the past I’ve mostly used meditation and journaling as ways of practicing gratitude. And while I’ve had positive experiences with both, these practices focused more on the feeling of gratitude rather than the expression. Recently I’ve been focusing on the later and it’s had profound effects.
Earlier this year, my fiance and I began holding weekly meetings which include discussing to-do’s for the week, making plans to spend time together and airing any grievances. Most importantly, the meetings start with an exchange of gratitude where each person says everything they can think of that they specifically liked or admired about their partner during the past week.
During our first meeting it was amazing to me how many things I could think of to be grateful for that I hadn’t expressed earlier in the week. It was also amazing to be on the receiving end of gratitude, to simply be acknowledged for who I am and what I do (no matter how small the act). The practice brought on feelings of warmth and intimacy as well as (through the power of positive reinforcement) motivated me to keep doing the things my fiance expressed gratitude for. More importantly it set a positive and supportive vibe for the rest of the meeting.
The more meetings we had, the more I increased my gratitude for life in general and expressed it more frequently.
A few years ago I started keeping a gratitude jar. When the mood strikes me I grab a scrap of paper, write down something I’m grateful for and put it in the jar. When I’m feeling stressed or generally down I’ll read one of the entries.
Over the weekend, my fiance and I began a total apartment rehaul which included painting, furniture rearranging and Marie Kondo-ing. A few hours in, I was stressed out, short tempered and in need of a gratitude reminder. I grabbed a slip of paper from the jar and it read:
Reflecting on my friendship with Stephen gave an immediate positivity boost. The apartment project had me in a bad mood and was challenging my patience but taking a moment to feel appreciation for this friendship reminded me of all the good in my life (as well as how much I value being challenged 😜).
In the past I would’ve kept these feelings of gratitude to myself, but this time I decided to share them. I sent a text to Stephen including the above photo, to which he replied “Oh wow, you just made my day...week maybe!”
When you express gratitude to others, it has a positive impact on them.
In Dale Carnegie’s book “How To Win Friends And Influence People,” he makes the point that one of people’s deepest desires is to feel important. When you express heartfelt gratitude to someone else, you are showing them how much they matter.
Feeling gratitude makes you feel good, but sharing those feelings with the people you are grateful for makes them feel good too. It’s a total win, win.
So this Thanksgiving I challenge you to start expressing your gratitude on a regular basis. Tell people just how much they mean to you and tell them often.
Be specific.
Be genuine.
Be vulnerable.
I promise you it will feel great for both parties.
And while you’re at it, express gratitude for all the delicious food you’ll be eating by at least helping to do the dishes. ;)
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