“We don't have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.”
― Brené Brown, Rising Strong
On Friday I helped organize a party for my good friend (I’ll refer to her as J) who recently finished going through a long treatment process for cancer. It was a tough year, but she is now cancer free and so a celebration was in order.
At the party I made a speech. I tried my best not to get emotional, but failed (this should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me well...I’m a cryer), so I didn’t get to say everything I wanted. Afterwards a friend at the party said to me “your speech sounded like one of your newsletters” and so I thought to myself, “Good idea! This is what I’ll write about next week and then I can finish what I started.”
I began the speech by telling a story J had told me. A few years ago she was at a bakery with a friend. They ordered some muffins, took a few bites and realized they didn’t like them. After much conversation and courage building they decided they would tell the clerk that they wanted something different. So they marched up to the counter and with their bravest, sternest voices said “We don’t like our muffins and we’d like to get something else instead.” The clerk met their demands while barely batting an eye, but for J (and her friend) this was a moment of triumph.
She had spoken up for what she wanted AND she got it.
After that momentous day J continued to work on using her “brave voice” but struggled, like most of us, when the stakes were high.
That is, until she was diagnosed with cancer.
When J got the news she called on all of her friends and family for support and she did so in a very explicit way. She let us know where she needed us to be, at what time and what to bring. When she asked, we showed up. And when additional help was offered, she accepted it.
Now, I don’t mean to downplay “the muffin incident” (not to be confused with the Seinfeld episode), but this was something momentous.
Because speaking up for what we need, particularly when we need it the most, can be really hard.
Because what lies beneath the asking is fear.
Fear of being vulnerable.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of looking weak.
Fear of becoming a burden.
Because as a society we mistakenly believe that broken people are the ones that need help, not give it. And successful people are the ones that give help, not receive it.
But the truth is that no amount of resources or determination will change the fact that we are all dependent on one another - physically, emotionally and spiritually. And that the only way to navigate this crazy world we’re in is by asking for and receiving help.
To ask for help takes courage and humility. But to need help is universal.
Asking for help does not mean that you are not “strong enough”, it means that you are brave enough to admit that you need it.
To J,
I am in awe of your vulnerability, bravery and humility throughout this entire process, and I’m honored to be a friend that you called on for help.
To everyone else,
How can you use your “brave voice” to speak up for yourself?
Who in your life might need your help that is too afraid to ask for it?
What help do you need that you aren’t asking for?
Is there something I can help you with? If so, I would be honored if you asked.
P.S. I’m not crying, you’re crying.
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