“The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are those who benefitted from you having none."
This past weekend I hosted my Goal Getter Bootcamp for a group of amazing and ambitious women.
During the workshop we explored the real motivation behind their goals, why their goals felt meaningful and important to them and the potential obstacles in their way of achieving these goals.
Witnessing the many breakthroughs and "ah-ha" moments that took place during the session was truly special and I look forward to sharing this experience with others when I offer this workshop again in the future.
One barrier to success that was common among many of the participants was setting boundaries, particularly in regards to work. Which also seems to be THE recurring topic with a majority of my 1-on-1 clients.
The ability to say "no" and set boundaries while working from home is an ongoing challenge that many are struggling to overcome...and one that is creating a cascade of negative health consequences.
Many of my clients have the best intentions to not work before/after a particular time, to turn off email notifications over the weekend or the put their phone on "do not disturb" while they are working out.
Yet somehow they still find themselves working until 3am on a Saturday, skipping their workouts to take a last minute meeting, waking up early to "catch up on emails"...and regretting it every single time.
So where are things going wrong?
Chances are, it's in how we communicate our boundaries to the people who we expect to honor them.
👉 People cannot honor your limits if they do not know them.
📢 And it is YOUR responsibility to make those limits known by, as they saying goes, using your words.
I've written before about setting and holding boundaries HERE and HERE so today I'd like to talk specifically about creating a plan for setting boundaries within a conversation.
Boundary setting within a conversation means speaking up for and defending your limits when a person(s) does/says/makes a request for something that is not acceptable to you.
Our voice offers us a way to express our concerns and speak up for our needs and our wants.
However, verbally communicating our boundaries can be challenging, especially when a conversation takes a sudden, negative, or difficult turn.
Intense emotions such as anger, fear or frustration, can result in a fight or flight response, which often leaves us feeling regretful for what we did OR didn't say.
But by identifying situations that cause strong emotions and creating plans for dealing with them before they happen, we can stay calm and speak up for ourselves in a more effective way.
In an effort to provide you with some direction on how to start setting boundaries within a conversion, below is an exercise to create your own "Boundary Response Plan".
This plan is something that you can activate when entering difficult conversations or whenever you find yourself surprised by one.
The goals of creating this plan are to equip you with:
1️⃣ The self-awareness that will allow you to notice your stress increasing during a difficult situation before it’s too late,
2️⃣ Calming techniques to reduce your stress in that moment so you can respond instead of reacting, and
3️⃣ Boundary-setting phrases that work for you, so you know exactly what to say in order to start communicating your limits to others.
Step 1) Create a list of known stress-provoking situations or situations where your need to set a boundary is likely.
Think about the situations (past, current or potential future) in which your boundaries were/are being crossed and in which you feel you could not/cannot respond the way you'd like to right now.
Potential scenarios include:
➡ Another person dominating a conversation
➡ Inappropriate questions asked of you that you usually answer out of reflex
➡ Being asked to do something you don't want to do, but that you say yes to out of reflex
➡ Comments being made that you find offensive or rude (in general or towards you in particular)
➡ Another person speaking aggressively, inappropriately or disrespectfully to you (or to someone in your group/family/team)
Step 2) Describe your emotional reactions when a personal boundary is crossed.
Reflect on the scenarios in Step 1.
Which one provokes the strongest emotions?
Try to relive (or imagine, if this is a potential future situation) this moment as vividly as possible. What kind of emotions arise? Anger, shame, embarrassment?
How does your body react to these emotions? Does your heart race, your face feel hot, your shoulders get tense?
Step 3) Create a self-calming plan so that you can speak up effectively.
📢 If you do not take care of your emotions first, your emotions will determine your reaction(s).
Which can cause you to:
➡ say things that you might regret later or
➡ not say anything at all (reinforcing the other person's right to ignore your boundaries)
When someone crosses your boundaries, it is important to first calm yourself so that you can respond in a way that is constructive and effective.
👉 What actions you could take to help you calm down and prevent the emotion(s) you described in step 2 from taking over? Could you... ➡ Take three deep breaths? ➡ Leave the situation, walk out of the room or go outside? ➡ Visualize yourself being calm? ➡ Focus on your breath and simply observe the emotion?
👉 Create an "If/Then" plan (which by the way is probably my FAVORITE kind of plan) for the next time you encounter this situation.
For example:
"If I start to feel angry, I will take three deep breaths to calm myself down before I speak."
Step 4) Write a list of signature phrases.
Once you are calm, you have the opportunity to deliver a message that communicates your boundaries and how the other person(s) may have crossed them.
👉 By creating a short list of boundary setting statements in advance, you'll have something to reach for without too much thought once you’ve found your calm.
These phrases are meant to warm you up for what you want to express and to signify to the other person that you have something more to say.
Potential statements include:
➡ I’ll need to think about that/check my calendar/etc... and get back to you. ➡ Sorry, but this does work for me because... ➡ I don’t know yet. I want to think about it first, ok? ➡ Sorry to interrupt, I’d like to/I need/etc... ➡ I see your point, but I think differently about this. ➡ Thanks for the offer, but I am going to decline. ➡ I’d love to come, but I can only stay for an hour.
➡ I’m not comfortable with this/with what I hear/with how this is going/etc...
Try to find statements that feel authentic to you and are appropriate for various settings.
👉 Consider what has worked for you in the past or what you've heard someone else say that worked well. You may also think of things you wish you had said in past situations where your boundaries were crossed (a la George Costanza's infamous Jerk Store comeback 😝).
🎯 Create your list of signature boundary setting phases so that you can start practicing them real life.
Setting and communicating personal boundaries is essential for our health and well-being.
Frequently allowing another person(s) to ignore, disregard or disrespect our limits can have numerous negative outcomes, including:
➡ perpetuating low self-esteem
➡ our needs and wants not being met
➡ not feeling in control of our own life
➡ increased stress, anxiety and resentment
➡ and on and on...
So how do we keep people from continually crossing our boundaries?
By clearly communicating what those boundaries are.
And how do we get better at this communication?
With practice of course. 😉
👉 Start practicing the If/Then plans you just designed in easy conversations.
Strengthen your skill of managing your emotions and directly speaking your needs when the stakes aren't so high.
And then, little by little, practice using your "brave voice" to let people know when what they are doing/saying/asking is not OK with you.
Remember, YOU are the one responsible for setting and holding your boundaries.
Speak up. Use your words. Make your limits known.
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